In Exodus Chapters 11 through 15, we see our Lord fulfill His promise delivering His people out of Egypt into the Promised Land. Not only does He fulfill it, but He is with them through every step of His plan. Even though there are many obstacles and struggles in the way for the people fleeing Egypt, God continuously provides a path for them. And, as we see in Chapter 15, Moses and the people of Israel sing a song of deliverance in celebration of their freedom. However, during the journey, the people struggle with their doubt and fear of whether God will fulfill His promise to them.
I remember vividly the day I sat in the room waiting to see whether the display window on the pregnancy strip had a plus or negative sign. I was only 18 years old and facing the reality that I might be pregnant. Silently, I quietly prayed asking to please, please, please not let it be a plus sign. Finally, the plastic device was handed back to me and on it was a bright, red plus.
From then on my life would change drastically. I knew instantly that I could not have an abortion. Even though, my boyfriend tried to persuade me to do so. The thought of it made my stomach ache and I just knew I couldn’t live with myself. But, at the same time, I knew I was not ready to be a Mother. For weeks after finding out, I felt like my body was not my own anymore. My boyfriend didn’t want anything to do with fatherhood nor the responsibilities attached to it. I felt alone, unsure of my future and scared. As the weeks went by, a soft whisper kept hurling around my brain telling me that this was it. This was my chance to get it right. My pregnancy felt like a hard slap in the face – a wake-up call, if you will. I kept asking myself, “Where are you going with your life?” “How did you end up here?” At that time, I did not know God. Sure, I prayed. But, only when things went wrong or I needed something. I did believe in God. But, I didn’t KNOW Him.
During the early months of the pregnancy, I decided looking into placing the baby for adoption would be an option worth considering. After all, I could not be a Mother. How could I handle raising a human being when I could barely take care of myself? I looked into a wonderful organization that counseled young girls like myself and helped with the adoption process. I decided on an open adoption and was given stacks of papers to read through of prospective parents looking to adopt. The process was overwhelming and emotionally draining. After a few weeks, I finally decided on a couple that I thought would be a good fit. A meeting would be arranged where I could meet them face to face asking any questions I wanted to be sure of my decision.
Up until the meeting, I began to connect on a totally different level with the being kicking and moving around inside of me. The bigger my belly grew, the more of a connection grew. And a few days before that meeting, I really wrestled with the reality of whether I wanted to go through with the adoption. I didn’t know how I would explain it to the many people so closely involved at the adoption agency or my family, but I knew I had to be honest.
Meeting day came and I sat in a room with the couple I had picked out on paper. They had been trying to adopt for quite awhile. Both were hardworking, loving people who wanted a child so badly. I tried to look for things to pick at, hoping one flaw would pop out at me and get me off the hook. But, there just wasn’t any. I had no doubt in my mind that they would be wonderful parents and would take the utmost care of my baby. But, I also knew when I looked into their eyes that I just wasn’t sure that this was the right thing. Tears welled up as I explained to them both that I just wasn’t sure if adoption was what I wanted. I explained how hard it was getting for me and that I was having serious doubts. I watched as my Mother, who was in the meeting with me, well up with the same tears knowing how difficult this would be. The couple sat across from me listening with sincere and disappointed eyes. They both thanked me for being so honest and went on to say how this was not the first time they had been through something like this. They just wanted me to be sure whatever decision I made was right for me. I felt heartbroken for them and relieved that I had told them how I’d been feeling.
The day she was born my life truly began. Suddenly, for the first time I felt purpose and a fire inside spark that has not dwindled to this day. She was God’s gift. She was the reason for it all. Because of her, I could face anything. Because of her, life was purposeful and meaningful. And without her, I would not be complete.
Now that I do have a RELATIONSHIP with God, I can see so clearly how He was with me at every step of my journey. He was with me when I saw the big, red plus. He was with me at every doctor visit. He was with me nudging me forward, allowing me to believe that it will be okay. He was holding my hand in that office when I was telling the couple of my doubts. And He has been there with me every day since her birth, too.
Thank you, God for reminding us through your Word that you are with us, we only need to trust in you. Please help me to remember when I feel alone that I am not. And that, sometimes, we have to endure hardship to be rewarded in the end.
“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)